Sleep deprivation and the mind of a Canadian fan

I haven’t had much time to sleep lately, but thankfully the sleep I have gotten has been of reasonably high quality. Rapid eye movement and all that. This lends itself to dreams… though, when one is in the midst of a burning-it-at-both-ends binge, the thoughts that creep into your consciousness tend to be on unusual side. So I figured I’d briefly share with you a dream I had last night which centered around Canada’s upcoming game against Jamaica. (This won’t descend into Peter Duffy levels of delusional nonsense, I promise.)

I, for some reason or another, find myself as Canada’s backup keeper for the game. Standing in an unrecognizable parking lot, I’m suddenly hit with a wave of panic at the realization that the game starts soon, and I don’t even have my uniform (I’m, instead, wearing tearaway pants and winter boots). I frantically pile myself into a Honda Civic with an unidentified group of strangers who’ve materialized from thin air, and we rush to the stadium. Or, at least, where we think the stadium is. Turns out, we’re in Toronto and have somehow forgotten the game is in Jamaica.

Another overwhelming wave of panic flushes over me, as I curse the sun and the moon and enact some sort of indescribable process whereby I am aware that I’ve gone to the airport, gotten on a plane and flown to Jamaica, without actually seeing any of these events transpire.

Suddenly I’m on the field with the team, observing as they huddle tightly in a circle at the centre of the pitch. Everyone on the team is yelling at each other in encouragement. They are boisterous, filled with a sense of camaraderie. The starting keeper — which, for some reason, is Lars Hirschfeld — bellows uplifting aphorisms at his ‘mates… or, again, my brain perceives them to be uplifting aphorisms, though I can’t actually hear or comprehend anything he’s saying. I — despite supposedly being on the team — am looking on from a distance.

I take a moment to scan the stadium; like every other dream I have in which a soccer stadium is present, it looks exactly like Esther Shiner Stadium in North York, Ontario, even though I know it to be a stadium in Jamaica (or maybe it is Esther Shiner, who knows). Then, without warning, I am off the field. I’m at a swimming pool I used to frequent as a youngster; to be specific, I’m in the change room, which looks exactly as I remember it, except there is a television hanging from one of the walls.

Alongside me in the change room (fully clothed) are several people whose faces are blurry, but who my brain perceives to be fellow Voyageurs. They are transfixed by the screen, and I quickly turn my attention to its output. It’s the Canada/Jamaica match. An unnamed player, with a similarly blurry face, has just scored for Canada. He is being mobbed on the field by Julian de Guzman and Dwayne DeRosario. I check the ticker. His goal has leveled the score at 6-6. Quite exciting stuff.

As play resumes, I notice that rather than the traditional yellow-and-green kits, the Jamaican players are all dressed like Nazi soldiers, except for a few players who more closely resemble the giant AT-AT robots from Star Wars. The commentator (Gerry Dobson, probably) remarks on how big and athletic these particular players are.

And that’s it. The end of the soccer portion. I’m off to somewhere else, and frankly, it’s none of your business where.

So what have I learned from this? I’m not sure. I should get more sleep, probably. I shouldn’t divulge my dreams on a public blog, certainly (I’m going to hit the “publish” button anyway, though). And, most conclusively, being a gung-ho supporter of the men’s national team is a surefire way to fry your brain beyond recognition.


3 Responses to “Sleep deprivation and the mind of a Canadian fan”

  1. Some Canadian Guys Writing About squizz’s Fevered Football Dreams

  2. Hey, they might have the AT-AT’s, but we’ve got Jedi deGuzman, Dwayne deKenobi, and Yodavic. Bring it on Jamas!

  3. Unfortunately, hopes for the future of the keeper position were dashed when Darth Begovic went over to the dark side.

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