The Reserve Squad Briefs: November 4, 2009

MLS commissioner Don Garber has fined himself $5,000 for “conduct detrimental to the league’s image”. According to league representatives, Garber felt that his earlier levying of a similar fine against DC United president Kevin Payne was “apt to subject the league’s front office to ridicule” and “not in line with MLS’s policy of being a big, happy family.” Last week, Payne made comments suggesting the league didn’t always produce the most thrilling on-field product, prompting Garber to fine him for speaking out of turn. “But then,” said a league rep, “Mr. Garber realized that punishing team owners for noting that the emperor has no clothes was probably as detrimental to the league’s image as the original comments… and thus, punished himself accordingly.” The league rep then clarified that he was referring to the old fable, and not insinuating that Garber was an emperor, or nude.

A young French player claims a FIFA campaign is damaging his career and intends to pursue action against the world governing body unless the campaign is amended. Gael Racisme, a 16-year-old striker from Lyon, says that FIFA’s global “No to Racism” efforts have predisposed clubs and managers from taking a look at it him, simply due to guilt by association. “Imagine,” said Racisme through a translator, “if in early years FIFA had said ‘no to peels’ – would the world still know Pele?” After making the statement, Racisme jumped away from a scrum of reporters and swung to kick a nearby ball, whereupon he slipped, missed the ball entirely and fell down. “You see this,” he said upon recovering, “this campaign is now even affecting my wonderful skills. This is tragedy.”

Former Toronto FC coach Chris Cummins has sought to clarify remarks he made in a press conference last week following the news of his firing. “Look, I think you lot heard somethin’ about bad apples,” said Cummins said in a conference call from England. “I was just talkin’ ’bout the apples just come into season in Ontario. Them Galas, too tart for my taste.” When reached for reaction to Cummins’s confessed aversion to Galas, seldom-used TFC midfielder Gabe Gala cocked his head slightly to the side. “Whatever. I scored against Real Madrid. What’s he done?”

Top soccer officials in Andorra have vowed that the national side will make a breakthrough in 2010 and vault itself back into the the world’s top 200 countries. The small European country’s national side slipped to #201 in October’s FIFA rankings after a disappointing World Cup qualifying campaign in which the team racked up zero points and a -39 goal differential in 10 matches. “The road ahead will be difficult,” said one official, “but with proper planning and execution, we should be able to catch East Timor by the spring, give Tahiti a run for their money in the summer and, if all goes right, be challenging Afghanistan for 189th place by the fall. This is a very exciting time to be a fan of Andorran football.”

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One Response to “The Reserve Squad Briefs: November 4, 2009”

  1. Mr. Squizz, that last entry is not actually from soccer officials in Andorra and was not endorsed by soccer officials in Andorra. I suspect that East Timor and Tahiti did not lend their names to it either. If you do not immediately remedy this gross injustice, I will promptly call Internet lawyers and post something insulting to the Voyageurs board.

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