The Reserve Squad: Garber “just kidding” about league expansion

MLS commissioner Don Garber dropped a bombshell during an offseason conference call with reporters Monday, revealing that the process of searching for two new expansion teams for 2011 is, in fact, nothing but an elaborate ruse designed to generate attention for the league.

The surprising news came when a reporter asked about whether FC Barcelona’s backing of the Miami-based bid gave them a leg up on its five competitors, to which Garber only muttered, “oh, that. Sure, why not.”

When pressed for an explanation, Garber responded “we’re just kidding about all that. You guys know that, right? The expansion thing.

“Look around. The government is bailing out banks, homes are being foreclosed left and right, 10% of the population is on food stamps. You really think anyone’s going to put up 40 million for a soccer team? A soccer team? You’ve got to be shitting me.”

When a reporter mentioned that two of the remaining six bids — plus the recently-disqualified bid from Montreal — were based in Canada, Garber said, “yeah, we’re totally playing with those fuckers. That was [billionaire George] Gillett’s problem, he figured the whole thing out. So we stopped wasting his time and said he ‘didn’t meet requirements’ or some such shit. Saving face. I still don’t think that French cheese fucker knows what’s what, though.”

Garber went on to explain that inviting a wide variety of bidders and setting an artificially high expansion fee were both tactics meant to bolster the public face of the league in troubled economic times. According to Garber, the introduction of a team in Philadelphia in 2010 — along with the city’s renowned sporting fanbase, to whom Garber referred as “those psychotic fuckers” — was always intended to be the crowning achievement of the league’s infiltration into the American sports landscape.

“It’s fitting that it’s in Philadelphia, since I look at this league like the classic American underdog story, Rocky. No one gives soccer a chance, it’s always the outsider, but when everything around Rocky is doubtful, he rises up and goes head to head with the champion. I didn’t see the ending, and I hear the sequels were shit, but you get the idea.”

Garber was unclear on how the league planned to reveal this information to the public and the bidders, or how the league planned to deal with the fallout, saying only “we had something in mind.”

But, in an exclusive correspondence obtained by this media outlet, Garber clarified the plan in a subsequent email, stating: “[I have] been on a family vacation in Mexico for the past seven days, and [have] not participated in any communication with members of the media regarding any league-related business.” Garber, curiously, signed the email as “Andrea Zamora, MLS communications consultant”. Followup calls to Garber’s cell phone were not returned.