The Reserve Squad: Mediocre butcher puts in bid for Hull City

The owner of an unspectacular butcher shop in downtown Abu Dhabi has reportedly put in a bid for Hull City AFC. Mohammed el-Fatouk, 46, would not officially confirm the bid during an interview in his shop, Top Top Halal Meats, but did express his admiration for the underdog club’s surprising early-season success.

“I am football fan, yes, but I am also a businessman,” said el-Fatouk, ignoring several queueing customers to answer a reporter’s questions. “Hull City has very good value, you know? To put the name Top Top on their jersey now, this would ensure it would be seen in the Champions League for many years to come. This would be very good for business.”

Last month, an investment group from the oil-rich capital of the United Arab Emirates completed the purchase of Manchester City FC for an estimated value of just over CAD$300 million. el-Fatouk, however, believes that Hull City, who are in the Premier League for the first time in their century-plus history, could be had for a fraction of that.

But Ahmed Bin Sabaz, who owns a butcher shop down the street from Top Top, said that while el-Fatouk may be on sound financial footing, his commitment is questionable.

“I do not doubt Mohammed could purchase the club if he chose. My brother, who ate crayons when we were a child [sic], last week he purchased a new home just for his shoes. You understand? Top Top, its meat is not good. But there is money. Money is not the issue in this place.

“However, Mohammed… he is always on about this or that. Last week he was going to start airline company. Perhaps next week he will start international shipping company. It does not happen. Mohammed, he does the talk, but he does not do the action.”

For his part, the wannabe owner of Hull seemed undeterred by his competitor’s words.

“Ahmed, he is simply jealous. But he will see. This is the start of many years of success for Top Top in British football,” said el-Fatouk.

He then angrily gestured to an employee to retrieve a fallen rack of lamb from the floor and put it back on display.


One Response to “The Reserve Squad: Mediocre butcher puts in bid for Hull City”

  1. this made my day! hilarious!

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